Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in xari0tis' LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 15th, 2006
6:04 pm	I went through a massive coronary today, and decided to just mop the floor clean with just about everything and everyone that I don't really deal with anymore. I'm sure I made a few mistakes, and that we're just not talking, or what not. No one's perfect, but I'm sure that those who are truely my friends will be like "YO! WTF?!?!" and then after I add them back, I'll explain to them just why I thought they should've been deleted. Then again, if that's not the case... I seem to have recently become an advisor for just about... everyone. When people have relationship problems, they latch onto me like I'm the all knowing person or something. I want to point it out to them that I haven't had a relationship in 6 YEARS, but I'm too nice of a person, AND not to mention the fact that whatever I say seems to be the correct thing TO say. Should they do this, should we do that, etc. etc. etc. and it's just... "Wow, Kevin, you're right" when I can't even get myself a girlfriend to save my life. Not that I desperately want one, of course. I dunno, maybe I do. The question is: Who, and How? Maybe I'm just overthinking things. There's no reason not to, since I'm sitting all by myself, contemplating life like a psychotic philosopher. But I could use company. Not sure who. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
9:20 pm	People have often been asking me just why I update both my livejournal and my myspace blog. I had to think about it at first. I think I figured it to be an unconscious thing, like, wanting different readers on different topics, or on the important things in life. Livejournal was more in your face, since a single "friends" click showed everything that was posted, whether or not they wanted to read it. Usually, if the introduction (such as this one) grabs the reader, the continue reading in entirety. And then? Every once in a while your drama becomes their drama, so the weight is lifted off of your shoulders, so you could be happy now while everyone else is feeling your pain. Maybe that was it, so I could get away from everything in the world and just watch the paper fly. It's a good idea in theory. No, no, no... too selfish. So then I thought that maybe it was an unconscious form of communication. See, I don't really talk to a few people on my friends list and stuff. Or a friend who knows a friend who knows a friend has me on their list so they can keep updated. Maybe they're reading my livejournal, and I want them to read my livejournal for some reason, to subconsciously keep them updated with things in my life. Maybe it was an attrition war, so to speak, to see which one would crack first, so that if I posted something extremely wild or downtrodden, the others would come running to my aid without me specifically asking for help. Maybe it was this big huge plan for me to be the one that people wanted to help, and that I would be looking like daisies in the end. Jesus... too rediculous 0_o So I kept thinking about it. I racked my brain over it, and then it was something like an epiphany that happened. Maybe the lightbulb DID turn on over my head. Who knows. Anyway, the answer why I update to both? Introversion and Extroversion. A simple definition of Extroversion is what one is like around others. And Introversion is what one is like by himself. Now, of course, the dictionary says something different, like probably "a presence of self in the presence of others" or some psychobabble like that. No, let's keep it simple. Extro - outward, around others. Intro - inner self, around no one. Simple. Livejournal is the introversion of self. Where it's not a very frequent update, but usually it's more important. What I'm doing in life, how I think, questions like these that need answering, etc. etc. etc. and myspace is extroversion. Poetry, Lyrics, stupidity, etc. etc. etc. So that's that, I wager, the reason why. Nothing more, nothing less. So to find out what's going on inside, come here, but if you're happy with just retard posts and stuff that really doesn't matter? Myspace it bitches. As for an update: I met up with an old friend today, who I haven't seen in a LONG time, other than for 6 seconds on Friday. Basically it's like this. There was this girl I met in high school, after I had graduated. I went to basic training, and to prepare for school, I went back to senior high to take some refresher courses to get me back into the swing of things. During this time I meet a girl. Yay, girl. NO biggie. But the interesting thing is that we spend THE ENTIRE DAY together. From about 8 am until about 4:30 pm. Talking about pretty much everything. Making some sort of connection that doesn't come normally when two people meet. So we leave. No phone numbers exchanged, no e-mail addresses. Just one of those situations like "Before Sunrise" without the sleeping together part. So, flash forward about 5 years. And there she is. And what happened? We spend the entire day together. Literally the entire day. And it was awesome, but I don't expect that to happen again. It was just one of those things in life that you think about. It makes me wonder what kind of connection we have with one another, and just how in the world we mesh so well with one another. But it's a good time, you know? Something to look forward to. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 8th, 2006
9:28 am	So I figure I have an hour to kill, and it's about time for an emo post. Everyone has them, and mine is no different. One of those "woe is me I hate life" posts that, when you read it, makes people think like "WOW, DRAMA QUEEN!" even though I'm a guy. Well no, not really. I just figured it was a good opening to what's going to happen soon. School is actually going well, although the petty High School bullshit is apparant in a few people this semester. I hate that "I'm better than you" crap, because it's seriously getting old. To the people from college who read this: "STOP BEING FUCKING DUMB. thank you." Of course, there's cause for joking around. Who doesn't? I do it all the time. But it's when people actually think it, and develop this "I'm hot shit" complex, it's annoying. Although it's fun when I thrash them and send them screaming back to earth. THAT's always a good time. I basically wrote this on my myspace box, for people who don't "get" livejournal, but what the hell, it's an expression of rage through words and not actions. But other than that, school is fine. Meeting new people, making new friends. Talking to HER again, from way back when in my LJ posts. I'm not sure if anything's going to come about from it. I don't think so, but it's that connection I guess. That equality in want. I to her and her to I, but I'm not sure how that will fly. I guess it feels nice to be around someone you actually have a true and honest thing for, unlike the others where confusion stems from complications. I guess that after a year, it means SOMETHING other than "oh yay, Grog want sex" and there's something deep seated and indescribable. Will that ever come to a point to where it's omnipresent and can't be ignored? Probably not. I think we're fine knowing that there's...something... there. From the glances, and the smiles, and everything else. It makes for a good time. Whenever I'm around her I get happy, no matter the situation. Problem is, why do I get the feeling that when she's taken from me, things are going to crash? The only problem I have with situations where it's equality in desire, when one goes away, the other "realizes what they've had" and pines for it. Oh golly gee. And then after a few weeks/months they move on to their next target. Happy day, I wager. I'm trying to focus on the good, or at least decent. There's WAY too much going on in my life now that just wrecks it for everything. But I'm hoping that if I deny it for another day, I'll have another day of sanity before the dam breaks and I follow suit. I'm sure talking about it will help, but there's really no one to talk about this stuff to. Besides, people have their own problems. I'm not going to attack them with mine. However, tonight and tomorrow, my sorrows will be drowned in Alcohol, so I just might not have to think about them. Or instead of sorrows, I can think of these nights as fun times, quite simply, because of the last paragraph. But see, this is where I'd do something stupid, and invite another who, well, is just a friend, but is SUPREMELY flirty, and see where that leads me. Maybe I do enjoy the drama in life. Ho hum. I was contacted the other day by the people who I was house sitting for, and they wanted to know if I was shooting porn on their pool table. We had a laugh about it for a while, but it was a serious question! I guess I had left my phone charger there, and the TVs on the deck were all set to Input. Because of the position of the phone charger (On a light plug above the pool table) they thought that we filmed a scene there. Now I might be someone who people believe would do ANYTHING, but shooting porn? Anyway, they asked me about it, to which I said "no, don't worry, we didn't shoot pornography in your house" to which they replied: "And here I thought you had good stories. You suck at life" Me: "Don't worry, next year I'll be sure that's the first thing on my list" Her: "Make sure you save a copy for me" Now this continued on for a while. But the really interesting thing about the entire situation is that THEY WERE DEAD SERIOUS. Wow. - You know sometimes, I just wish that I weren't so goddamned stubborn. But then again, it's what makes me me. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
10:41 pm	So, it seems as if things are going in the way of the downtrodden. But not, in retrospect. It's hard to explain that which is going on in life, but it's nothing too difficult to comprehend. What I once thought was there is not. What is real is never unreal. And, fucking hell, since when did I turn into a conventional babe magnet? Ok, maybe it's just me, and the fact that I might be seeing things that aren't really there. Maybe it's the overanalyzation running on psychotic mode, or maybe I'm actually GOOD looking. I really don't think it's number 3. Anyway, I keep getting interesting stares. Not in a mean way, but a subtle eye contact that says hello, or the fact that, yes, I get checked out. When did this start happening?! Now it seems more of the fact that (I guess) people are sensing that I want more than just sex. I want a relationship. Full on, I guess. Anyway. I guess that makes people interested if they're sick of fending off all the college guys trying to get their dicks' wet. Regardless. It's nothing special, but I felt I needed to say it. I didn't do anything I swear. ;p Which brings me to this: "You win, you're right." 'nuff said. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
6:47 pm	So, I was at work today and I was talking to this new girl, who had come in for her paycheck (I think). Right before she goes to leave, she hits me on the side of the head, and then walks out. So I follow her, wait until we're away from everyone, and then proceed to fake punch her back. A good 15 seconds of fun out of an otherwise dull, repetitive day. Cool. So then I get back into work, and I get HOUNDED. "Oh, She likes you. She's banging. Hit it. Blahblahblah" and I just come to realize that every single one of my friendships are like this. I can think of only ->ONE<- who isn't. All the others? There's no basis of "friendship" there. Either they want something or I want something or everyone else THINKS there's something or, whatever. I just want to smack the lot of them, and be like "Shut.... the... fuck... up". It's not going to change. I just want to be FRIENDS. No adverse thoughts or emotions or RUMOURS running around, none of this, none of that. Just friends. And obviously, except for Adrienne (who lives in Georgia), there's nothing of the sort. When was talking to people who have vaginas such a sexual thing? I guess I just shouldn't talk to them. Maybe then it would be all better. Probably not. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 21st, 2006
8:12 am	Today looks as if it has potential. But then again, it may be spoiled all day at work. Yet, whatever, this is the last of my double Mondays. Val-fucking-halla =D (Comment on this)
12:57 am	It's so beautiful outside. It's the new moon, the middle of the night, and it's pitch black. But you look off the deck and you can see eternity, if you just relax your eyes. The infinite space knows no bounds, so that you can probably see into heaven. It is definitely the best place, temperature, silence, equality, that I know of right now. I sat outside this evening for hours, just taking in the tranquility of the world. The crickets chirping, and the sounds of the wind through the trees. Looking up and seeing the tens of thousands of stars, turning to BILLIONS if you were to look at them through night vision. It is something I like to do to know my place in the world. It cleanses my soul for a small point, to where I don't have to worry about this and that and the other thing, like people, relationships, work, life, etc. etc. And then I figure that I can't help to notice that I do this constantly. That feeling of synchronization with nature, and it's outpourings. I just want to walk into the darkness and see where that leads me. I just want to go, and never look back. I would, if I could. Would I survive? Who knows. But it's something that I know I would love to do. As of this moment, I think I am. There is a trip that must be plotted for me to continue this course. It's something that I know I have wanted for years, but have never been able to get the time enough away to do it. This next summer, I think I finally will, and I'll be able to sit back and say that I have finally accomplished something. There exists a trail that has been around for hundreds of years, and has been walked ever since, by those who have taken on its immense path. I'm not sure if I'm going to take the entire path, but I do know that I am going to walk most of it. I am going to take a one way plane ticket to Georgia, and probably visit a few friends. Amber and Adrienne are on the top of my list, if they're still living there, and then just... walk home. With a 3 month schedule to complete a 2000 mile hike, it will be almost impossible to travel about 25 miles a day. So what's probably going to happen is that I'm just going to stop at Stroudsburg and return to it the next year. Which means I'll only have walked about 1200 miles instead. A much more manageable feat. Only a few people know about this plan, which includes a total departure of contact to all but family for the time I'm walking, and that's ok with me. If it's so allowed, I'll stay periodically at motels and such the way up, when the trail itself happens to run into towns. I do this for no fame, or fortune, or respect. I do this because I feel it's something that simply has to be done. And it can not wait any longer. Maybe it was the perfection of the night that caused me to reveal this almost a year in advance, but I couldn't help it. It's something I simply HAVE to do. There's just no other way around it. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 20th, 2006
8:53 am	Something tells me My actions are hurting people I care about. And I don't know how to stop. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 18th, 2006
4:43 pm	So last night everything came to a head. I don't know exactly what happened, but it just seemed like the night was for me. My one friend Nicole (not the one who stayed with me, during that whole debacle) seemed like she liked me, tonight, as well as the other night, her and Tiffany doing the same in the hot tub. Then I met my friend Steve-O and Lisa, which they're crazy cool. And then out of nowhere she comes in. My jaw dropped like 6 feet when I saw her. OK backstory. I had two classes with this girl who I talked to from time to time, and I dunno, it seemed like we were beginning to hit it off. At the time I was seeing/dating this girl who's ALSO in our classes, and it never really came to a head or anything. Also, not to mention that I had to leave to Iraq, so it was like "what the fuck. I hate life" when I left. I could tell she was...saddened...so to speak to see me go, but c'est la vie. I saw her last night and it's like "since when did you become ULTRAHOT?!" she was always a cute girl but damn, this just blew me away. So I was like "HEY!" and it took her a moment to recognize me, but then she gives me this big huge bear hug, and then we start talking on and off for about an hour. We start to leave the bar, and she's out there, and she's talking to him and looking at me and smiling, and it was just like "cool. my buddy is back". So that was the high note of my day. So then we get into the car to go to Perkin's, and the driver is RAGING pissed, for whatever reason. It was like he wasn't the center of attention, so he reverted back to being 5 years old and made pouty faces. Fuck him. So he drives my friend Tom and I back to my car, and whines and bitches "I wanted to leave, I wanted this, I wanted that" to which I just told him to fuck off. Everyone was having a good time except for him. And only because everyone wasn't focused entirely on him. And he wonders why I never bring him out. Anyway. We're all going to Perkins. Me, Tom, Jess, Lee, Joe. So we order, and all of a sudden Jess just loses it, because of what the driver who whined and bitched said to her, and what he did to her. See, she's kind of fragile, and when he goes to her and says "Yeah, his ex is the best thing that ever happened to him" and shit like "you're holding everyone up, let's GO!" it kinda messes with your head. So she flips and literally starts walking. So it's like "fuuuuck, what the hell" We lose her, we can't find her, so we're running around until 4 in the morning trying to find this girl. Bloody FUCK. She's in an area she doesn't know, drunk as hell, at 4 am. BAD. Her boyfriend is fucking in hysterics because she's gone, and here I am like "ok, let's go". So we take off down the street looking for her. Meanwhile, the driver of the car? Yeah, he downshifts wrong and drops the clutch too hard for the transmission to handle and BAM! Deadcar. He calls ME needing HELP! So we find Jess finally, we track her down, and then I text him. She's in hysterics in the back seat. Her boyfriend is halway in hysterics in the front, and the only thing I can think of, honestly, is "I'm going to pick up that stupid mother fucker who started this to begin with" But ooh! Wait! Christal is calling! Must be off. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 13th, 2006
8:14 pm	This is going to be a long week. For one, I've foolishly made my bed, and I have to sleep in it. Something tells me that it's all going to blow up in my face when I get home on Monday night and wonder just what the hell happened for this to come to. I don't know. I'm just ranting now, because it all started so good. Too well, perhaps, and now it's turning into a rage infested vibe that makes me just think about all the things ->I<- want. I'm sitting here trying to make all these other people happy, all my life, and I'm feeling like I'm getting shafted. Not on purpose, mind you, but the things that I seem to really want are beyond my reach. Maybe it's just one of life's little "haha, fuckyou!" statements, maybe it's fate that I'll never find anything worthwhile and stable, maybe I do what I do and fuck it up on purpose, secretly, even to the fact that I'm surprised. To which is the mute point? Is it reason, fate, or stupidity? I just wish someone were here. Someone that I don't have to worry about making happy, because they're so volatile. But it's my bed, and I guess I'll sleep in it. I wish I could get a hotel room. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
7:01 pm	I want to not have to worry about this weekend. I want to not have to worry about this weekend. Bloody hell, it's not working. So this weekend is drill. Fucking yay. I get to shoot a rifle. Fucking Yay. I get to drive 2 and a half hours, all the while, coming back on a Sunday that makes for ever more blissful fun. FUCKING YAY. I just hope that on Friday everything will be kosher so I'm able to get out of there before doomsday. Hopefully we'll see. Hopefully I'm not going crazy, like Janey is, taking pictures of feet and swords. No, I'm not making this up. OH yes, and I have seemed to forgotten. I want to not have to worry about this weekend. Fuck.... still not working. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
4:31 am	So I guess I wanted a departure from this cyber box of construction, and I wanted a change. When it's terribly late at night, certain things seem to pop into my head that I don't know how to force out, or change. Usually they're glimpses of truth in an otherwise inescapable world. Maybe they're the exact opposite, and a whole bastion of lies in a world of honesty and immortality. I guess I still do, if the time is right, and if certain factors come into play. Until then, I doubt I will ever leave, and everything will be right with the world. My weekend vacation is over, and it's time for me to return back to the working world, and I must say that, even though it's only been 4 days, it seems like it's been a lot longer. There's so many things running through my head that I'm not sure what I'm talking about anymore. Ah well, at least we know nothing's changed. So I guess I'm posting because of a lack of better things to do. I haven't done a "let it all out" in a while, and it's due time. I keep asking myself if this is really something that I want to do, but then it gets the better of me anyway, and I end up doing it with a lot more conviction in my words if I deny it for so long. It seems, I wager, you can see it in my writing. From one thing leads to another leads to another, there doesn't seem to be a happy medium within, nor does there seem to be a happy ending for me in the future. The problem is, I KNOW this, but still I continue on the course of action. Could be a self righteous suicide, could be something entirely different. Guess the only way to find out is to go forward... and I guess the only way to protect myself is to run away. I did that earlier tonight. And I LIED about it. Me time... to watch a movie. Yeah. Right. The Me time was to think. And act. And discover the best course of action for me as a whole, and in the future, and in the present, and whatever will happen from here on out. There's a lot of confusion deep within, and I shouldn't feel this way. I swear it's a fucking see-saw of emotions and feelings. Want is to give is to want. Love is to lust is to love. Smile is to sob is to smile. Friend is to more is to friend. And I'm sorry. I never said I was all better. Even though I know you won't run away. And yet, what does it bring me? A smile and a nod, emoticons and minutes. Sleepless nights and afternoon phone calls. Without touch. Without taste. There are so many others that rage from what is going on, who could give so much more... and I step backwards. I pick up the phone in anticipation and hope that there's a message. I call and receive calls from one person only. I smile whenever I see the name flash over my phone. And I hope to whatever I pray to that she's not angry at me for having done what was done... ...to a beautiful FUCKING stranger And so begins another time to where I must face the truth. And I know this, I think I always have. I think I always will. And yet, I can't be helped but thinking that life goes on. It will fade, it will pass, everything will begin anew. And in an instant, it is all gone. Sorrow, hurt, pain, loneliness, want, fear, anxiety, RAGING FUCKING JEALOUSY, all nonexistant... ... dear god, what is wrong with me? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 7th, 2006
3:21 pm	You know I don't usually do this, but I can't help it today. I had a dream last night that Digit returned. Most of you don't know who this is, but he was my first ever dog, a neurotic yellow lab. He came to me last night and it was the time of my life, in a DREAM. I woke up in tears today because I know that I'll never see him again, but to experience that, and to remember everything, was nothing short of fantastic. I didn't want to wake up, I was supposed to do all these things today but I ignored them because I was playing with my dog for one last time. I even told myself in my dream that when I wake up, he won't be here, and that shattered everything. I'm not going to even try to analyze it, just know that I played with my dog again, and that I enjoyed every single second of it. It was real... It HAD to be real... Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 29th, 2006
6:57 am	Why is it, that the nights I get the most sleep, the next days I feel the most tired? Man, funk that. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 28th, 2006
9:12 pm	So, it's another friday night, and I'm not out. I guess I can't really complain, because I'm not working either, but I guess that means that I'm s.o.l. for anything that's going to go on. I have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning just so I can go to drill training for the military (I swear it gets more difficult every single time), so that means that I'm not doing much of anything tonight, just staying in and smiling. I'm also going to go to bed early. So early, in fact, that it might be right after this post has ended. I hate the fact that I have to get everything out, when it was such a good day. But I don't know. All good things must come to an end. What am I talking about? I don't know. I don't try to explain these things, because when it comes to me, I am the stupidest person on the face of this earth. When it comes to known facts, psychological theories, philosophical questions, random trivia, medicinal cures, or anything else, I seem to be a genius. But when I have to focus on myself, I feel like a total retard, because I don't know where to start. Maybe it's the lack of sleep which is doing this to me. Maybe it's the total sensory deprivation. Who knows. What I do know, is that when I don't have sleep, I'm not thinking clearly, which probably means that the mental blocks placed onto self from days... months... years ago, are probably down. And the inner essence of self comes charging back like a stone golem or something. The feeling is akin to that of drunkenness, at least in the mind area. So the truth comes out, more so than you'd think. I'm not really even looking at the computer, just typing away like that of a blind man who knows what he's doing. The more I type, the more that gets out, and I'm not so sure if that's a good thing. I guess it's a composite list. Wouldn't you agree? : I want a relationship. Not just to date around, but a full on relationship. I've never had one before and I figure it would be something to experience. : My best friends are those people who I've never met. These are the people who know me better than anyone. : Then again, no one really knows me. : And I'm afraid if that person who would want to get to know me, she would run. Ending any relationship. : Which is why I don't want a relationship. Does any of this make sense? (Comment on this)
12:27 am	So, I want to play Resident Evil 4 right now. And I really don't know why. I'm talking about fantasies with one friend, how another needs ass RIGHT NOW, and then what happened last night with another, and hoo man. What in the holy hell am I getting myself into? Seriously, why do all my conversations turn to sex, not neccessarily by me? I either am one of those people who just ooze it, or I'm not nearly as big a pervert as people make me out to be. Honestly, out of nowhere Nicole asks me how big my dick is, Lindsay wants to know my magic number, Danielle comes right out texting me with "oh baby you make me so HOT" after I sent her a picture of a Mountain Dew sign, and Tiffany here is literally saying to me "stop teasing me, you know I need ass right now". What I need now is someone calling me telling me to hit it hard, and I'll just be a walking circle of what-the-fuck. I think Resident Evil helps me get away from all the confusion rampant. And I can just do some awesome... killin' I was talking to Lindsay today, and she was filling in all the spots that I missed out on. Apparantly I declared my undying love to people last night, that shouldn't've been told. I just hope said person doesn't take it to heart, because I explained myself to Lindsay, and if I'm RIGHT, it might lead for a just bout of confusion and ostracizing. Not on my part, on Nicole's. She's not the most... stable... girl, I guess would be the right words. She told me last night that she needs to feel wanted. And that her boyfriend can't give it to her because he's up north. So she plays the field, and cheats on him, pretty much left and right. The thing about that is, I don't judge her for what she does, but I've had a suspicion that she's had a thing for me for a while now. Not just "hey, let's fuck", but an actual liking. (In fact, that's why she freaked on me last night, because she thought I said that that's all she was looking for) Anyway, if she's the type to do all of this, where is the trust for anything serious? And my supposed admittal of things, and she takes it to heart. Well, I think you can see where this falls. So I hope to squash all of that as quickly as possible, and if not, then I guess that's another friend lost because certain situations became apparant. Even so, love is a battlefield. And I'm losing the war? I also just got blocked by Tiffany too. She asks me what I should do about her new boyfriend, and that things aren't perfect and blah blah blah. Ok, whatever. I told her that I couldn't get involved, because she's the type that doesn't want to take responsibility, so to speak. So she'd call me every single moment asking what to do next. I told her "no, I can't help you, you have to swim, or you sink" and she must've been RAGING after that, because she never ever ever just "I'm leaving". Was it the right thing to do? I don't know, everyone could use a little help, but I want her to do it. I'm rooting in the corner for her, that she'll be able to get this done, but at the same time, when she reaches, I take a step back. Besides, this was the man who made her cry, for some reason or another. Already that's a big no. Whatever. C'est la vie. So that leaves Danielle. All the other girls were talked about, I might as well end with her. She's my buddy. End of story. What, did you want to know EVERYTHING? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
6:26 pm	segue \SEG-way; SAYG-way\, intransitive verb: 1. To proceed without interruption; to make a smooth transition. I think it's a point in my life that I'm actually feeling like this. Where something's going to happen and it's going to transition into something or other. School starts in just over a month, and that means that everything is going to change back to where it was before. Into what, I can't really tell, because I don't really know. The thing is, as of right now, I'm just letting the time flow and see what happens in the end, when all the cards are dropped. The reason why I say it's a segue, is because there's not a lot that I WANT to think about right now. I think, and I overthink, and I overanalyze, and I make all sorts of determinations that never seem to be correct, but I can't stop myself from doing them to begin with. Also, that's one of the reasons why I don't really update on a daily basis, because it's the thing that lets the watergates just overflow and my head begins to hurt from all the thoughts pouring in. Even now, it's beginning, and I'm typing without bounds and virtue of anything in an attempt to "fight them off" so to speak. I know if I don't, there will be those little things that creep in and take over and then I'll have another hour long conversation in the parking lot of a truck stop to a friend who will promise that she'll never leave, and help me calm myself so I MIGHT actually believe her. That's also the reason why I'm not really close to anyone, because I don't want to scare people away. Ho hum. Not to mention, there's really not a lot to update, to be honest with you. A friend of mine is leaving soon, and even though I've only known her a year (not even), we've grown rather close together, to where I think of her as an older sister, more than just a friend. I hate hate HATE to see her go, but she's got to follow her dreams, so I'm not going to curse her for it. I'm actually very VERY proud to see her get out of this place, so she can see more and do more and hopefully be happy in life. (Note: I'm not saying she's unhappy, but I'm saying that she's WAY too smart and WAY too good to be stuck here for the rest of her life). So tonight is her going away "party" which is code for having a few drinks and driving home. I was secretly hoping I could get her SMASHED, but we all know where that leads. Stupid people making stupid decisions and laughing about it in the future. I've never seen her absolutely gone before, but I guess there's always the future. She's moving to Georgia, which actually isn't a bad thing. Just north of Atlanta near Marietta and stuff, where it's only a few hour drive from there to Athens, where my best friend in the entire world lives, so maybe I'll see her sooner than I think. Who knows. I'm trying to get Amber and Ivy to come up here for a week in August, because we haven't seen them in... god knows how long, but it might end up me going down there and visiting them, and trying to get them back on track in life. Amber (my absolute best friend in the world, and future wife) is ok, but her mother Ivy, well... that's none of my business to talk about. I guess that means there is going to be a lot of travel in my life soon enough. I'm also making plans to go see another friend... but that's kind of up in the air because I'm not quite sure where we're going in that department. I'm not sure if it's going to end up her coming out here (She WANTS to go to New York and the Jersey shore, and to all these other places), or if I'm going to go there, because I'd just really like to see her. I'd much rather her come here, because of the situation that we're going to be in, but if that doesn't work, I'm going there. I just don't know exactly WHEN, or for how long. Maybe a few days, maybe a week. Maybe I'll just move there and get an apartment and... wait... that's a little too resounding... that would probably freak her out. [To her: See! I TOLD you I could find something to creep you out!] But still, I'd really like her to come here, because it would be such a much better situation (she can scream as loud as she wants). Then again, if she can't, I guess that means that I'll just have to have someone else in the awesome house with me. My friend Nicole called me today... hmm... Speaking of which, I'm not sure where that's going to go. I'm not going to overthink that one at all. I think I'll just smile and nod and take things how it goes. I'm back into... well... I guess... old... standings with Danielle again, because we had a long talk, but I'm not going to let it all get to me and have everything blow up in my face. Because if things are going to happen like I can see them happening, I have to be very careful about what I say or do. Not around Danielle, so to speak, but around others... who might have an interest, in things that are, well... above the level of friendship. I don't want to let myself go into that now, becuase that's completely conjecture. If I'm correct, though, it's going to be a rehash into the depths of confusing world again. And come on, we all know that when I go into there, I don't come out for a while. I guess I'm just ranting. I just got a message on MSN saying that if I don't pay this girl $200, she'll never talk to me again. So I told her goodbye and goodluck. Now she's trying to get me to change. This girl is nuts. By the way, I got a new phone today. It's all sorts of awesome, mainly because it doesn't suck like Sprint does. It's actually a GOOD phone, so I don't need 3 of them. If you want the new number, just let me know, I'm not going to post it here, so I don't get calls from random people like "I want to lick your nut hair" because that's just... ew... no. In other news, I'm going to see "Lady in the Water" soon. I simply can NOT wait. :] (1 Comment |Comment on this)
6:21 pm	So my friend keeps telling me that my journal should be updated, like... right now. Seriously. ... and I said "ok". (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
4:38 am	So, I just realized that I have the absolute coolest manager on the face of this green earth. Today, a friend of mind had a table, who pretty much just scrubbed her. They were being obnoxious, rude, belligerent, the whole nine yards. I think it started with a Baked Potato that they ordered, and my friend Kim told them "I'm sorry, we don't have any, would you like something else?" Then they threw a hissy fit about god knows what... maybe they really like potatos... who knows... so Kim goes to the back, waits to heat up her table's potato, takes exquisite care of it, and then hands it to the lady, who proceeds to literally shove the potato, and THROW THE FREAKING PLATE AT HER. Now, that's when everything just.... stopped. All service... all commotion... all everything just crept to a silence. I swear time stopped, and everyone just pretty much went "HOE-LEE-FUCK" So Kim storms off in TEARS, because this table careened a plate of food at her, in front of all her other tables, and that's when I comforted her for a moment or two. When I come back, the lady is LIVID, she's literally wondering: "Why is the server crying?" Thinking that we got so pissed at Kim that we tore into her. It simply couldn't have been the big piece of porcelian clanging on the floor, missing her by inches... of course. So the manager comes out, and she begins to lay into him, telling him something along the lines of owning a business, and if her head cook EVER made a Server cry, that the cook would be fired on the spot, this and that, left and right, while the manager's like "you're f*&$%ng bonkers!" (Let me be clear, this was not the General Manager in charge of the store, he was just a normal manager, who happened to be scheduled that day) So then, she asks for Pat. Which pretty much signals that the gloves are DROPPED. Now, let me talk about Pat for a minute. Pat is an asshole... he has to be. He's snide, sarcastic, hard to please, always demanding, and never does he stray from the right...so to speak. He's not an easy man to work for, because everything has to be HIS way, HIS time, HIS liking. If you fuck up, he'll let you KNOW you fucked up, unless you're man enough to admit (hey! I fucked up... I'm a retard). But let me tell you, in situations like this... he's not afraid to flex... and he will back you tooth and nail. So he comes up, all nice and proper, like a normal manager should... of course. And she lays IN to him. Saying all this shit about getting people fired for making the poor girl cry (because, again, turning a plate into a projectile aimed at the poor woman is CLEARLY good restaurant etiquette), and she says that she owns a restaurant in Split Rock. To which his reply: "You mean people still GO THERE?!?" This made just about everyone do another dead-stop. Now me, who usually just gets the biggest kick out of that, just stopped in my tracks. Even I thought that was just VICIOUS. (A few hours later it hit me hard, and I was almost in tears laughing). The lady just stood there in shock, and then started mumbling something about closing this store and firing people, to which Pat said again (in plain view of everyone) "No, no one is getting fired. You're the stupid bitch who threw the plate and endangered my server, YOU made her cry... so you can just fuck off and never come back, thanks :}" And walked away. The ENTIRE STAFF cheered like madmen. We just lost all etiquette and were hooting and hollering like crazy. To which he comes to us, nods his head, says "anything like that happens to any of you, I'll tell them the exact same thing... now GET TO WORK!" and we were off like a shot. I told you he was awesome. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 16th, 2006
4:33 am	... I am completely fucking angry ... ... I don't know when I've ever been this angry before ... ... Stoic ... ... Non-emotional ... ... Insides, violent fury ... (2 Comments |Comment on this)